Recapping The Timeline Of Events For Dave Portnoy, The Biggest Hypocrite This World Has Ever Seen
Hand up, I need to issue an apology to the great fans of this company. First, on behalf of Barstool Sports, I am sincerely sorry that we had an all-time Big 3 rundown ruined yesterday by having Nate on. I was just as upset as all of you were to not only have to see that face, but to hear that voice. But second of all, I apologize to the readers of this very blog I’m publishing, as this is the edited version, having taken out all shots (of which there were many) at Dave, KFC, Nate, Kelly, and the rest of the echo chamber in New York that they have installed to convince themselves that the man holding up the mirror last week was the monster, not what it was showing reflecting back at them. By the way, if you need further clarification of what an “Edited Version” is, look no further than the original tweet that Viva La Stool posted yesterday after the Rundown compared to the one that it changed it to after the bosses stepped in and fixed it to make it less anti-Nate. That’s what this current blog is: a changed product.
Original Screenshot:
New Version:
Anyways, after consulting with the person who I will refer to from here on out as The Electrician, due to the fact that he is the one actually still working to keep the lights on at both the Chicago and the New York offices, my first play in this 1 v. 30 Chess Match that I’ve gotten to the point where they have to have their King step in is not to fight fire with fire. Instead, I am going to simply lay out the timeline of events for one Dave Portnoy to review. Again, I am deeply saddened by the fact that I had to put the cover back on the Nuclear Codes, but the good news is that the button is no longer stowed away under lock and key in a safe box, rather it is strapped on my hip, ready to be pushed if needed. But first, the timeline of events to make sure we're all on the exact same page as to what has gotten us to this point of a "Should we ruin Tate's life?" vote:
Tuesday, May 23rd: Gaz And I Agree To Withhold My Pay For Not Blogging Enough
Fair enough, Gaz! Keep your money for May, as I have not earned it. Could you imagine if this were a standard throughout the entire company though? Nevermind, this is not a blog to attack, it’s simply a blog to lay out the facts. Do I wish I could see what the “triarchy” deemed reasonable for the full-time employees? Sure, but if my number is 35 a month to get paid, you’ll get your 35, Gaz.
Friday, January 26th (12:00 PM): Nate Friday Calls Out Kelly For Not Working On Fridays
Oh, did people forget that? Seemed like the entire Rundown last night forgot it. The first person to speak on Kelly Keegs not working on a Friday (the heinous act I committed that started this entire war) was Nate! Now he’s white-knighting around the office like I've gone too far by pointing it out again. Here’s some quotes for those that cannot watch the video with audio:
Kelly Keegs: “It’s all Nate. Nate is the one pretending that we don’t work on Fridays”
Kelly Keegs: “I like doing blogs at home on Friday because it’s a day where I don’t have to fucking put makeup on and come in here. That's my big thing, if I'm being real. People are going to give me shit for that, but you have no idea.”
Nate: “I just couldn’t imagine telling Big Cat I don’t come to work on Fridays because of makeup”
Friday, January 26th (12:30 PM): Ohio’s Tate Blog Published Calling Out Kelly For Not Working On Fridays
Move over Lexington and Concord, apparently this will go down as the new age “shot heard around the world”. The fans can go back and read this blog for entertainment if they wish, but I encourage both the employees of the New York office who have their panties in a bunch, plus Dave Portnoy himself, to go read it and rate it on a scale of 1-10 to determine how awful it truly was. I think we’ve got some revisionist history on our hands trying to act like I full on, out the clouds, attacked a poor meaningless girl with a ruthless blog (who had just attacked the Mean Girls in one as well).
Friday, January 26th (1:50 PM): Kelly Keegs Rebuttal
It was a sad and feeble attempt, but it was an attempt nonetheless. I won't get too far into analyzing the atrocity that it was, as the 328 commenters did for me, but I can't help but read this final line from time to time and laugh.
"Unfortunately for you Tate, you picked the wrong bitch. You wanted my attention? You've got it. Be careful what you wish for."
Friday, January 26th (3:50): My Rebuttal To Kelly Keegs Rebuttal
I don’t get enough credit for the time stamps in this blog war. Folks, her sorry attempt at a hit piece went up at 1:50, and in the next hour or so, I remember this vividly….on my drive home from work in my notes app, I wrote this one. Should be enshrined forever in the Blog Hall of Fame, not just for substance, but for timeliness!
Monday, January 29th (12:00 PM): Barstool Radio Spends An Hour Talking About The Art Community Instead of The Blog War
In the most insulting move to the fans of Barstool in the history of the company, thousands upon thousands tuned in (including myself…ready to call in) hoping to hear about the drama within Barstool. Instead, and you may rewatch the episode yourself if you wish to die a long and boring death, the time stamps show they talked about: Taylor Swift, Hair Transplants, the Art Community, and the Environment for an hour straight. What a disappointment for the last ever episode of the once great Barstool Radio, because….
Monday, January 29th: Barstool Radio Canceled (1:41 PM)
This is where I think the unwarranted hate begins. Be upset that I wrote the piece about Fridays after Nate started it, but if you'd have just talked about it for 5 minutes on Monday and moved on, I'd still be teaching middle school Language Arts right now and she'd be hosting Barstool Radio. But instead of realizing that it was her own fault that it's gone, it's easier to find someone to blame.
Tuesday, January 30th: I Write A Blog To Revive The Blog
Zero shots taken. Just a plain, old-fashioned, good blog. At this point, I'm still just writing during my lunch break. Thought a "Blog and Rowdy" tournament between coworkers would be a funny way to revitalize the blog with a 64 person, elimination style, cash prize tournament that forced the best of the best writers in this company to jump back in for a week.
At this point, I hadn't heard from Dave, and there was no chance I'm upping my life to move to Barstool full-time.
Wednesday, January 31st: Blog About Nate
Nate's actions over the previous couple days deserved this. I had to do it, but I also called this "My Final Act" because I was going to go back to blogging about Ohio State, teaching, and coaching. And it was this blog….not the Kelly blog from the entire week prior like people said on the Rundown yesterday….that finally got the big man's attention and a job offer.
Wednesday, January 31st: Dave Portnoy DMs Me
Let the record show that Dave sat by for 6 days after the Kelly blog, not even as much as making a peep in my direction. But I write one hilarious takedown of Nate at 11:50 am….and I'm hired by 12:20 pm.
Thursday, February 1st (12:28 PM): I Resign From My Teaching Job
Dave and I began negotiating a deal the night before on Twitter during the JV basketball game I was sitting on the sidelines of (while reading the backend of the blog in which Nate had an article titled "Tate Moore, Head Girls Basketball Coach of Granville High School, Is A Pedophile", but that following morning, we finally shook virtual hands. I wrote this blog during lunch (35 minutes) and it was official. I was quitting. I was hired for ruffling the feathers of the New York office. Remember that everyone….that's why I was hired.
Additional evidence that shows Dave enjoyed me chirping Nate comes from him having me text him immediately when it was done, so he could dunk it right on Nate's head.
Thursday, February 1st (1:06 PM): Barstool New York Reacts To My Hiring
Interesting. New York (and there were more videos of this) making their threats within 30 minutes of me being hired of what would happen should I step foot in that office! I believe the mindset was that I was able to chirp from afar, but I wouldn't be able to do it in person.
"You talked all your shit. You gotta come to New York, face to face with the people you badmouthed"
"He better not come to New York (with crazy, beaten down eyes looking ready to kill at a moment's notice). That's all I have to say. He better not come to New York"
"You can't avoid us"
Monday, February 12th (9:17 PM): I Leave Ohio To Drive Through The Night To Chicago To Make Free Throws
You might think this is an unnecessary part of the timeline that I only put in here to showcase my work ethic and shooting ability, but actually, it's one of the most important things to remember. Forget the fact that I came in and cashed two free throws cold off a 6.5 hour drive. What's important for this timeline is what happened after that.
Tuesday, February 13th (7:52 AM): We Make 41 Free Throws, Dave Gets Ready To Leave, I Ask Him If Can Start In New York For A Week Like Big Cat and I Discussed, He Says No….Start In Chicago and Don't Go To New York Without Me
That's right, folks. If it were up to me and The Electrician, I would've done a week or two in New York FIRST. This all would've been over and done with. The fact was I chirped them (barely) from afar, they said I wouldn't do it to their face, and I had to….in their words…"go face the music". No brainer to go see how it all shakes out while the iron is still hot, but unfortunately, Dave shut that down and made it clear I cannot go until he allows me.
March 18th - October 13th: I Lay Off The New York Office And The "Hard Working" Schtick And Make My Own Content
Ask The Electrician! Did I create the best content to ever come out of Barstool Sports? Nope. But did I lead the league in blogging, work my way up to a Ceremonial First Pitch at a Guardians game, sneak chicken wings into the Women's National Championship, join a podcast, make millions of views rant videos, and eat Peeps? Yes. Again, not a pat of the back….but if you think I only ran the attack New York playbook for the last 6 months….you haven't been watching. And to the KFCs and Daves of the world who checked out long ago, I do not mind them not realizing it. But getting Big Cat's vote of approval is all I need to show that I had moved on.
Until….
Saturday, October 13th: Dave Gives Me His Blessings To Go To New York
Okay, this is the first interaction since the New York office threatened me. Do I go in and raise hell? Or do I go prove them right and act like a pussy?
Tuesday, October 15th - Friday, October 18th: I Do Exactly What I Said I Would
To be clear, this is what we're talking about here, right Dave? I got under their skin by eating Peeps with no one in the background, using a cowbell to ring for a blog finished (once), upping it to a Blog Horn when they stole the bell, Choosing Love, and writing one blog about reviving the office. That's it. You'd think I went in and burned the place to the ground with the way they have reacted. Nope, I made a couple troll moves….nothing overly special…and after receiving countless words of appreciation and feedback that I was having a great trip, continued to gently nudge them until the Guardians lost and left the next day.
Monday, October 22nd: Dave Portnoy Says We Will Vote to “Ruin His Life”
Something doesn't add up here? Dave is choosing to punish me and in his words "ruin Tate's life" for doing EXACTLY what he hired me to do, and EXACTLY what he sent me to New York do. Look in the mirror, boss. None of this happens if you don't promote it and hire me, and it still doesn't happen if you don't send me. If we could get a bullshit meter on Dave saying he didn't think anything would happen this week and he only sent me for the Guardians games, it would break from being so hot. And now he's acting shocked that I followed through (very mildly, I might add) and kept my word?
This situation is symbolic of what Barstool has become. The Electrician is doing his best and is thriving, but certain aspects of the company have fallen off because of Dave's neglect. And he'll blame anyone else except himself for the falling. And now we've got someone who he hired to antagonize the NY Office antagonizing the NY Office….and was positively praised both publicly and privately all week for doing so….and now because a teacher from Ohio got under Yankee Dave's newfound thin skin, he wants to "ruin Tate's life". Forget the High Noon cans being thrown at heads, or the harassing of employees wives, or the physical violence….this is when he's going to step in. Because, and everyone knows it, I said the quiet part out loud. And because I did my job, that he hired me to do, very well.
Forget ruining my life, the worst part is, Dave has lost the touch of the Stoolies with this charade to embarrass me. I thought Dave Portnoy was the most honest person everyone knew. Turns out he's disingenuous, a liar, a scumbag, and most obvious of all….a hypocrite.